Being alone sucks. It truly does, while my ideal place of relaxation is alone I still love having people around… I need to have people around me. Friday night had to be one of the worst nights I?ve had in recent memory. Everyone I knew was either out drinking or gone for the weekend. For the first time in a very long time I was overcome with emotion to the point where I was crying, I couldn?t stop, and it wasn?t for me. It didn?t even matter what I was looking at or thinking about, my heart kept feeling heavier and heavier and I was so worn out. I was up till past 5 am… I?m sick of feeling like that.
I guess I should get to the point of this post. The weekend helped me realize what I had to. I used to say that I could see people how God did, and I had no choice but to smile when I looked at someone, anyone because inside of everyone there was something that was so pure and awe-inspiring it caused me to grin. To be able to see something like that in someone was an amazing blessing and helped me love so many people. Over the past week or so that slowly drifted from me, I could feel my heart hardening to those around me. I was pushing them away when more then anything I was going to need them close to me, soon. I remember sitting around this weekend wondering where everyone was and at the same time refusing to see the people waiting to be there for me. Bottling up so much inside that I felt like no-one else could understand, because I didn?t even give them the chance.
When my heart was burdened on Friday night (well really early Saturday morning) I knew something serious was up. That?s why I went for my 2 am walk, prayed till I could barely even sit upright. Finally on Sunday I talked to someone (em you?re amazing!) and realized what was going on. Just having someone to talk to, to help me discern what I was going through, and pray for me. Thank you all of you who prayed for me. So what did I realize?
The weight on my heart wasn?t weight at all, it was God helping me back up to where I was meant to be. It was my changed attitude that was becoming so cynical towards others and myself that needed only to be addressed so that I could return to seeing the sparkle of God in those around me. I failed hardcore last weekend, but I know that tomorrow is another day just as today was. I knew there had to have been a reason I was studying grace, I need so much of it right now.
Praying to be broken before His throne,
~paul