Have I really changed inside? It?s a question that only I?m able to answer but I feel like working through it in this forum where others might be able to relate to me and what I?m going through in my mind.
I am different today then I was a month ago, there is no question about that. I?ve experienced things that have changed me and modified how I view life and myself. There have been people whom have impacted my life and who have recently become a part of it. Things have happened that I couldn?t have foreseen and defiantly didn?t fully comprehend at the time and now am battling to understand.
I?ve made many changes inside, my attitude towards women has improved again, and my understanding of how physical a dating relationship has been shifted drastically. There are several things I have done in the past that will not be done again until after marriage, fortunately I?m still a virgin, although some guys at college don?t seem to understand that, eh not saving myself for them, only for myself and God.
There is also the matter that I used to know the direction my life was headed. When I was home over spring break I could have told you exactly where and what I would be doing at the conclusion of college. Now I am speechless. It might be that I am feeling trapped and unsure of how I want to spend the rest of my life. There are these passions and interests that I want to pursue to the fullest before I set them aside. Things like writing, photography, youth ministry, full time ministry, marketing, event production, film post-production, philosophy, and I?m sure in a month there will be something else added to that list. I?m feeling trapped by the fact that I?m started to become trained in the arts, which is invaluable because it is where I am lacking the most knowledge.
So here I am, sitting/running, only wondering if I will be able to achieve something on the outside of art/advertising/marketing at the end of my time here. I won?t lie, the thought of switching majors has crossed my mind, even switching schools (for which I have a long ?blue? list). It just feels as if this is where I?m meant to be, the people and programs fall into place so well here. Maybe after this summer in France and next semester without skiing (which I have resigned from) will help me to further understand. Needless to say, I?m tired of waiting?
Take care and my God continue to bless you tomorrow.
~paul