I don?t get it, I?m having a hard time comprehending why I have such a hard time being here (parents house). When I talk to others about it I feel as though I?m asking for sympathy for something that I need to work through. There are parallels to now and when I realized I was depressed. After my second suicide attempt it took days for my parents to admit that their son could be depressed (after I told them several months later).
Maybe it?s the fact that I tend to be very good a living a life that concerns so few other people. Now some of you may read that in surprise and think that I know so many people, and that probably has some truth to it. Now ask yourself how many people really know me. That number is so small. Sometimes I wonder if there is even a number there for it. Last week in bible study we talked about the people in our lives that we couldn?t live without, I picked my mom, and at the same time I have such a hard time living with her. Not to say that it is completely her fault, but just that I feel her and my dad take so long to realize what I am telling them. My biggest apology would be that I am hard to read, I wish I wore it out there but that?s not how I was brought up. I was told to be the strong little man, and I strived towards it. The only problem is that I?m not him, I?m broken from the inside out and will be until the day I die. Any completeness in my life is Gods grace and nothing less, surely nothing of me.
I think that could be another thing, just the past this house holds for me. I lived through Hell in this house, in this room and this bed I attempted suicide. Demons lurk in this room for me to return home and find some sick pleasure in tormenting me while I?m here.
There still is no word on if I?ll be doing STINT or not, be in prayer for those who are going to make that decision and for my patience. There are a lot of plans on hold right now waiting to hear the answer to what country I?ll be living in next year. I?m just waiting for the Lord to move and show us. Man I?m looking forward to date night tonight with Jordan.
Keep letting God bless ya,
~paul