I always seem to dread coming to my parents house, which is probably one of the reasons I do it so infrequently. The main reason I came home this weekend was to be able to see my little brother. Kyle could be going into the military academy and that would mean a very short-lived summer break before basic training. The more time I can get to see him and hang out the better. I realize how much I miss my older brother and just being able to chill, and am seeing the same future for Kyle and me. I feel horrible with how little I am able to talk to Ryan and Kyle.
If I?m so excited to see Kyle then when do I dread coming here (I?m at my parents right now)? I?ve never been to a place where I?m so spiritually attacked as with my parents. If it?s making me feel guilty, trying to get me involved in gossip, calling out their weakness upon me, and just not processing through what they are feeling as they should. I?m so sick of it. Of my parents seeming to need to rationalize what they feel through me, needing to talk to me as if I were somehow not their brother and sister but a mere child, your hearts so much more worldly then your minds would tell you. My parents can?t handle the conviction that is inherent with me coming home and I?m fed up with it. So here it goes.
I?m sorry that I don?t need either of you spiritually. That there are lessons I?ve learned that you aren?t seeing or willing to deal with. I?m sorry that I can?t pray for you as you wish I could, because those prayers aren?t pleasing to God. The feelings you have towards me aren?t from me, they are from Him. I?m sorry you are burdened with conviction. I?m sorry for growing and being refined. Tears well up in your eyes when you sing about being in the potters hands, yet you fight against him and don?t seek him beyond where you are comfortable. I?m sorry that your 50 year eyes don?t see things with any eternal perspective yet condemn eyes of a twenty year olds who do. I am sorry that you aren?t seeing where God is taking your son and the rewards He wants to bestow you for raising him. Most of all I am sorry that you don?t hear the words I speak as you should, that you still look at me as your child and not as your brother who has so much to show you.
I need to go somewhere, Father be gentle, they are so small!
~paul