What’s going on right now? For the first time in my life I think I know what it feels like to be spread to thin. I honestly am not sure what to do. I have this drawing homework sitting on the futon right now that needs to get done yet tonight. It’s just a reminder that almost all of my priorities are shifting. I used to devote my life to skiing and to be honest I don’t know if I will do that this year. I will always have this passion and love for that sport and the people involved but it’s just so hard for me to leave.
Try to think about the weight on my shoulders right now from the skiing industry. So many people look up to me and are envious of where I’m at; they think that you couldn’t want anything more then the connections and other shit that goes along with this. They are so wrong. I want more for life, I want more from myself, I want to meet new people and challenge them so much more mentally then the people I know now want to be pushed.
I don’t know, maybe I’m just sick of everyone expecting me to do everything. Yea, who cares if I’ve done alright up to now. I’m just growing increasingly tired of it. After how many years the industry is starting to notice the thousands of hours of work I’m doing here. I rarely feel that the industry even cares about what I’m doing. What if I just stopped, I’d love to watch them scramble to figure out what to do with me gone. They try to man handle me when I’m the one who’s helped run and create this movement in the Midwest and I’m sick of it. I’m sick of people thinking this mind of nineteen years is ignorant to the ways of the world and the industry.
Basically what this is coming down to is my longing and desire to committee more of my life to God. I don’t expect anyone to understand because in all honesty I’m not sure if I do. I love people and try to love them more then they’ve ever felt with the hope that they will wonder why and long to be able to feel such an immense amount of love from somewhere to share it so openly. I want to be there for people in their darkest days and help them see that life is a true blessing that needs to be lived to the fullest everyday and that it would be a shame to miss an opportunity to love some bodies soul. It kills me inside to see people walk by and not know all that they are and can be, I see it everyday even in some of my closest friends.
So I’m faced with this choice. A choice that I don’t really expect anyone to understand. The choice lies between my life in skiing and the role I downplay in it, or my passion for people and the drive I have to help people pull through the dark times. To be honest, if I followed my heart right now the skiing world would be shocked. Please pray for me to at least make it through this season.
Basically I just need to be shown if His heart is for me to continue with skiing or not.
Take care and God bless your soul through and through,