Its finally come to a point where I should stop denying what is going on around me, but its so hard to do. To admit to myself that tonight was the last night I will see Matt Johnson before thanksgiving or possibly even winter break (spring break if I get that job), its hollowing me out inside.
For most of my life, I guess, I never would have said I had close friends, I spent most weekend nights at home alone because there was no one for me to do anything with (with the exception when I had a girlfriend and wed do something one of the nights). Then for the first time near the end of junior year I had that group of guys. People who would call me up to see if I would be game to do something, compared to the assumptions that I was already out somewhere with someone else. Im not writing that looking for pity from anyone because of late I have. There are people in my life that I truly feel comfortable around and will truly miss with all my heart. To see them leave it bittersweet, they are going on to do things we couldnt fathom if we tried, and I was fortunate enough to know them now.
Being here at home is weird too, to think that I wont live here in 5 years. That there will be a place with my name on it somewhere; could be down the street or out of the country. To wonder what life would be like without me in a house that has grown so accustom to my company. Will days go on without thoughts or notions of me, or will I be something that lives on in these walls. I dont know if I could tell you the answer for that, I just hope that I was able to live my life right up to this point.
Lately Ive also noticed that Ive become more irritable, reflection has showed me that its a combination of things. I really dont know what is ahead of me, in two weeks I am going to lay down to sleep and wake up for class How weird is that. I also have been wondering what is really behind me, in both senses of the phrase. There are things that Ive told myself I am over, older relationships that I have convinced myself had ended but now have this strange motivation to attempt to re-kindle them. More recently Ive not been myself around someone who deserves nothing less, its hard for me to deal with loosing her (or the closeness we had just a few weeks ago) and subconsciously decided that I should try to make her miss me? hate me? That isnt what Im all about, thats not what I do, Im trying to patch things up but only time will tell if that will work.
All of that is just sitting inside of me, like a rock in my stomach. All of those emotions and feelings teaming up on me and really wearing me out. My mom thinks that I need more sleep, maybe a little, but it seems like around 1-3 am are the only chance each day I get to truly sort things out. If you dont believe me look at when I post most of these blogs. Well I am starting to ramble and have lost my point as the clock hits two. Ill try to write something more comprehendible and fluid later. Thank you God for getting me through this.
Take Care and may God bless your days,