I just want to curl up and be gone for a while, to where is of no difference but to let time stop for just a while would be heavenly. In my life there can’t be a moment when I have felt so out of it, yet been so in all at the same time. I’m doing this, the Lord called me to go to France and I chose to obey him. It’s so unreal to me, and yet I find myself in the midst of scripture (Galations 3:3 “Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?”).

When I said that “I’m doing this” that is what I meant, do I trust the Lord, yes, but I have done a many wondrous things in my life without relying on God and find myself there again and God is beating the snot out of me right now. In the last week alone I’ve been stood up twice (one got rescheduled), an appointment canceled, and been leaving more messages and talking to more machines then real people.

The irony of this all is that I know exactly what it is that I must do, pray and re-center this whole effort back to and onto Christ. His yolk says that HE, God, will do all the work for us if we just let go of it. Yet here I am with just about twenty days left and I can’t seem to let go of this. I can’t at all and I can feel the Lord beating it out of me. Writing this is my honest effort to break myself in half and to cut off my own fingers so that I would no longer hang on (that’s figurative speech…). I’ve given up so many areas of my life and now, right before I am ready to leave onto such an amazing time of being used by God I start to grab and hold onto things. I’m starting to break, even if God needs to have people call me to pray for and with me. Thank you so much Jamie.

There aren’t words to really describe how I feel right now. I’m frustrated but at the same time bitter and excited. More then anything I want to grow and be used in every moment of my life for the benefit of Christ and his Bride the Church. It’s my pre-destiny and my fate, and I only hope that I have humbled myself enough before God to have the privilege of honoring Him by expanding his kingdom. After all there is nothing else that will matter the instant after we die than the work we did in our lives for Christ. May I walk the streets of heaven so that there are hundreds more there with me and a bridegroom that will tell me, “well done my good and faithful servant.”

This world has ever tried to break me and has come so close, yet only God’s swift hand has ever brought me to my face. May I be, in your eyes, worthy of grace and the opportunity to serve you with my life, for in my eyes there aren’t back streets far enough from your righteousness in heaven fit for me. May I understand and not waver in you.

Waiting to understand,

Just came accross this scripture in 1st Corinthians (gotta love Paul!)

I declare to you, brothers, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable…. Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.
1 Corinthains 15:50,58

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