It seems like just the other day I was waking up in the foyer and walking down the long halls, looking to the courtyard, on my way to the breakfast of baguette and jam with hot chocolate. That just yesterday I was in Toulouse, France doing work for His kingdom. That it would be realized in more lives, so that they can enter into the Lords arms and hold on to Him. That because of the strength they’ll have in Him they are able to do amazing things, go to places that people can’t fathom and do works others despise. Mostly I remember the feeling that my Father was in control and guiding me, protecting me.
To say that I didn’t know this was going to happen, or that I didn’t pray for it before hand would be far from true. This house, this city, my high school friends all remind me of whom I was. When they look to me I don’t know what it is they see, that’s not for me to know. However, I do know that they don’t see the change that’s taken place because they aren’t to a point where they can, and it kills me. The memories I have here seem to control me, to make me feel unchanged when I know I am. When I’m here, I know what I’m to do but find the simplest excuses not to. Could I wake up tomorrow being who I am without the ghost of who I was. I’m growing to hate this town, but this isn’t something I can hide from. It’s something that needs to be confronted.
For over five weeks we were doing evangelism in Toulouse where I was constantly going out and battling that which I couldn’t see. Starting conversations and making friends, learning cultural norms and brushing up on my French. I remember it so well, the feeling of approval and comfort I felt from Him.
A large part of it has to do with my focus, when I was in Toulouse there was one thing on our minds, to find stakes (Is. 54:2-3) for the movement that is starting in France (I know that through faith in prayer). Now that I’m back what am I do to, my plate seems so full that my focus gets lost or distorted. I know what I need to do to reach each point in order to accomplish all I must and will, just the broad view of it is overwhelming and just to much. Thinking about all of it leaves me in a state of awe as to how it will all ever get done, forgetting that it isn’t me doing the work. Forgetting that I am merely a vessel for His will and pleasure.
So now I’m fasting, there are a few things that fasting does. It brings in focus, increases your need for God, leaves more time, and the underlying reason is so I will feel worthy of what I am to do and who I am. Andrew Murray put it very well in his book “With Christ in the School of Prayer” when he wrote that “Prayer is the one hand with which we grasp the invisible. Fasting is the other hand, the one with which we let go of the visible.” I don’t know how long it will last.
For those of you who this doesn’t make sense to, I’m truly sorry and pray that it will make sense.
May you feel His presence and love,
~paul