My whole life has been lived on fast forward (or you could call it running into the future) since my depression started back in 8th grade. I think I felt like I could out run it and the feelings associated with depression, and that if I got to some distant point that it would become unrealized to me. I spent so many years doing it, living for days so far past tomorrow that it could make my head spin if I had taken the time to think it through. Starting that blasted corporation in 9th grade… I could sit here and look back on so many things that I?ve thought myself to grown up for, or missed because I was to busy with what I got myself involved in.
Since my last post about grace (all of about an hour ago) it?s really got me thinking of my motivation behind what I?m involved with and desire to be involved with. God has really broken me down over the last couple days and I honestly am not sure how to take it. I sense myself really withdrawing because I?m not sure where or why this brokenness is taking place. I used to and now I don?t know. The more I?ve been in prayer over it the more it feels like my life is slowing down. That I?m not living for some point in the future, but that for the first time in years I want to live for now and the frustrating thing about it is that I feel as though I forgot how.
I?m really not sure what to do from here. For the first time it seems to make sense where I am (although I am always looking into tomorrow…). I?ve never felt like this before. Not that it isn?t something that I could get used to, it just feels so foreign right now. There have always been things I have strived for, in skiing it was to be the best in the Midwest and to turn heads nationally and there was such accomplishment when I did that. Writing that out I see why it is a problem (?when I?). If I?m to submit everything to Christ then it can?t be I who accomplish things for the things I desired to accomplish need to be cast up to Him. Abba Father thank you for your patience with me as I take time to seek your face and understand your word further. As I become nothing before you so that you can be everything through me.
As awesome as prayer is, I kind of forgot of the prayer to become nothing. Father give me the strength to receive what you have for me and heal my heart and spirit. That the faith in my prayer life would be even more bold in you.
For those who I?ve left confused or who have noticed me acting a bit off, sorry and thank you for your prayers. Sometimes asking for prayer is the hardest thing for me to do.
broken for Christ,