Here is what has been going on in my mind for the last couple days. I dont expect anyone to read this and/or understand it. This is just to help me write it out and maybe come to some sort of conclusion.
Have you ever felt as though you were at a point in your life where you truly stood at some sort of cross roads? Ive been standing here for over a month trying to decide what to do, testing the waters in every direction I can sense, though it seems as if I am blind to my options. Which, even though this might come off as arrogant, hasnt really ever happened to me before. I have strived to live my life where I knew the choices I had and could logic out the choices I needed to make and have made. There are very few things in my past you could ask me about that I couldnt explain. Now I need to take things on faith, being able to separate what I want from what is my fate.
In the past few weeks there have been to many things to call it coincidence and it has me very worried. Worried because the direction Im being lead to is not one which I have much experience, or good and positive experience. I will be the first one to admit that Im scared, because in the past four years what have I failed at? Every major under taking which my heart was set upon has been blessed beyond compare and now I am feeling led to give it all up, but am I being misled. Could I be misled by my own selfish desires, or is it something greater then me all together?
It pains me to write this out, because of who might read this. Here it goes though… My event may not happen, it has a six-day timer set and running. That event is the only thing that Ive been hanging onto with skiing, of which my passions are dying for. I spent last weekend in Utah and still felt next to nothing, because skiing has become work for me, and work that causes me stress. Coming from a guy who rarely has to deal with those feelings. Furthermore, what if I am meant to stop this event, should I disregard everything that Im doing for the Midwest skiing scene? Now for the larger picture.
Ive been taught invaluable skills over the past years by running CTP, but is this the time that Im meant to stop and pull the plug? My vision in blurred and I cant tell if it is His will or not. Either that or I can see what I am to do but am scared that it isnt what I want, or that I wont make it. Just what is there to be scared of, every time I have called upon God he has been there with more then Ive needed from Him. I think back to several times where prayers have been answered. This just feels as though there is no one I can turn to who will understand me and what Im going through.
Maybe its just that I make assumptions that people wont understand my faith, last time I explained it to someone she told me she couldnt help me. I didnt need anyones help with my faith. I feel almost as though Im under constant attack because Ive reached the place Im at. Im just having a hard time knowing what to do with what Ive been told. I know it feels so right but at the same time I feel like I was made for more not to belittle it at all, but I feel almost as though it would be forfeiting something. Alas Im selfish and in time will have to deal with it.
God bless,
~paul