When I was younger the people who I held closest to me in friendship hurt me. Not only once but seemingly each person that I would grow close to. Over time I gained this mentality where I simply can’t get close to people because I will become hurt. As there is distance from the last time I felt that pain I go out on a limb and gain more friends and become close to them, only to be hurt again by those whom I care the most about. It’s caused me to throw up a shield around myself.
If there was one thing I could change, that would be it. Although the more I think about it the more natural it seems to be. No one wants to get hurt by those they care for, so some measure to assure that they remain safe is necessary. I just wish I were capable of having a really good friend who I could talk to and be completely open with. Even the people I’m closest with, the back of my mind tells me that it’s only a matter of time till they hurt me as the others before have. With all my heart I wish that I could get past this, but it’s so hard when I finally consider someone a ‘best friend’ that they turn around and hurt me so badly (betraying my trust or just up and leaving).
There are so many things that I wish would and could happen that aren’t possible, they aren’t possible because they are in the past. I know I’ve mentioned this earlier in here (titled something like Only if I was Back There) but I’m just sick and tired of feeling separated because of what I’ve done in the past. Maybe it’s self-imposed on me, but I’m sick of people knowing me because of that. I want people to know me because of who I am as a person not as what I’ve done in the past.
Second offshoot of this mental mind game of mine and upon realizing it I feel somewhat guilty. I realized that one of the reasons that I may have dated so often was with the hope that I would finally have that close relationship that I had so often heard about from others, yet never have experienced myself. My life is lived with an outward glow and covered by an inner shadow. The depression is under control, but I can’t help but feel that most people aren’t this way. Please someone understand me, look past what I’ve done to see who I am. Please see the good and the bad of WHO I am, take me as I am. I wish my request was simpler but it’s the longing of my being.
God bless,
~paul…