I know that what I?m about to write isn?t something utterly unique or ground breaking but I feel like if I get it out in writing that maybe the feelings will subside. So often I feel like I?m not enough, and I?m constantly running after something that seems so hard to attain but at the same time rests so close to my grasp. How I seem to be running a race that I can?t finish, and at the same time I?m unsure if I want to finish. For so long I?ve been looking at this idea, this conception of a person, and longing for the day I could step into those shoes and they have alluded me for so long.
Finally I feel like this distant goal of who I wish to become is so close, but so far. Not that I have that far to go (as compared to the path left behind there isn?t all that much left to cover) only that I am battling inside myself if it?s what I truly want. People are always talking about conflicts with others and avoiding the turmoil within themselves. There is this tear within my soul of a longing and a reality and the distance I sense between them. Realizing, for the first time, that I am the only one causing that distance to exist.
Faced with the truth that I am the one holding myself back from becoming what and who I?ve longed to be. While I sit here indecisively holding onto what I seem to identify with, remembering the countless hours and passion I poured into it, unable to fathom letting go of my ?back up? plan. For me to be able to continue to move forward I need to answer this question and it allows for two options and one choice. The question is simple, do I stay where I?m at or head off and challenge myself further? The answer is what is causing the problems, I love the security that skiing has given me and the job opportunities that have arisen from my work. On the flip side of the coin, there is so much that I would be able to experience if I give up my ?back up? plan.
I have the feeling that I get when I am at a high place, I?m scared and don?t want to look down even though I know I have to in order to realize I?m standing on the ground.
Take care and God bless,
~paul