This is something that, in all honesty, I have been avoiding for some time (see previous post). I have this weird gift where I am able to see where God needs me to be and I know how to get there, most of the time I can figure out why and make sense of the situation. For the past while I have been avoiding something because of the change that it would require, and to be honest I’m not completely sure all that change will entail but here I go.
There have been times in my life were I’ve tried so hard to misunderstand what God is telling me to do. It’s hard for me to fathom why he has me do certain things, and doing those is what creates faith. While I do live by and with my faith, I will admit it is a heck of a lot easier when I can figure out why He is telling me to do something. I understand why he has me be so caring and how it affects others and shows how he cares for them. I can see why he had me step up to be the bible study co-leader, to help the guys grow in their understanding of God and the purpose of their lives. I can understand why he placed me on the Evangelism Team, to help provide some leadership and to share my wisdom and understanding when I can. I can understand why he placed me in France this summer, to increase my dependence on Him and to push my evangelism even further in a culture that I hardly know (which should make it easier here, I hope). I can understand why he has me put so much pressure on myself, and how my enthusiasm has affected the others in the movement at stout.
I cannot see why he has me leaving skiing. I have tried for over eight months to understand and I can’t. I understood why I was doing what I did in skiing (with the videos, events, community building) to build experience and gain knowledge and I thought it was to reach out to them, to help them understand who He is and to be this example to follow. It made so much sense that I couldn’t see how it could be any other way, even if God was telling me something totally different. To the point where he tore everyone in skiing that I cared about from my life (aside from the Jones boys, but I understand my purpose there). Since last summer God has put it on my heart to stop and get out, I battled with Him all winter and it was to the point were I had all but turned my back to God on this area of my life, because I didn’t want him to touch it. I would let him do anything else with me but he had to leave skiing alone.
All it did was make me realize that, while I know everything there is to know about running events, I can’t do it without God and his presence. We didn’t have the on hill prayers I wanted to because my back was turned to him, and to bring prayer onto the hill would be to face God where I wanted him least. Since the event I’ve spent so much time in prayer trying to convince God to change his mind about where I’m headed, to no avail and it killed me inside to realize that, to realize how long I had ignored him. Looking back on opportunities that I’ve missed because of my desire to be right, to prove God wrong on my terms. It sounds to trite for me to be fighting with God like this.
On late Sunday night it was to a point where I stopped eating and started fasting to try one last time to sway Gods decision for me. I spent so much time in prayer talking to him and trying to make sense of why he should continue to bless me in skiing and let me stay here, where it is comfortable for me, where I seem to understand my purpose. Some thirty hours later I realize how stupid what I was doing truly was. So I broke my fast about half way through, wasn’t even hungry but it was just so pointless. Forcing me to start to accept this step of faith I need to take.
I know and understand what it is I need to do. Now is the time to start, I’m worried that to delay any longer could cause me to miss something which could completely change the life of someone else. While I don’t see being concerned about what you are doing as a bad thing, it can’t effect someone in the way this does and will. I can’t live feeling that I let someone else down because of my selfish behavior, it’s something I won’t put up with. There is more to this, but it is stuff that I feel like I shouldn’t be telling most, if anyone. In time you’ll know, but now I am listening with a willing heart.
I will walk with you and thank you for waiting on a heart that is longing to understand your plan and eager to do your will.
Take care and God bless,
~paul